The 12-Hour Sex Rule

In my work with men, a few things become apparent. First, It can be very difficult to express their emotions and ask for their needs. Secondly, sex is often tied to those needs and emotions. Often for men, whether they are aware of it or not, sex is connected to a deeper need or want. Whether that be intimacy, connection, or any number of other reasons. We often assume that men desire sex for shallow reasons, or just to “get off.” That being said, while many of the men and couples I see struggle with desire discrepancy (when one partner’s desire is higher or lower than his or her partner’s), another key issue that occurs is the difficulty that men have in asking for their sexual needs in a way that is effective. 

That is why we discuss this concept of the “12-hour sex sule.” No, this rule does not include having sex for 12 hours of the day, something that most of us would not be able to accomplish. The concept of the “12-hour sex rule” is simple. If you are wanting to have sex at 10pm, as the man, you must begin the process at 10am. There should be some thought or intention on beginning the process of “sex” at least 12 hours before the sexual encounter. This does not necessarily mean that you are doing anything sexual in those 12 hours leading up to having sex that evening. What it does mean is you are starting the process of “filling up her bucket” or building the tension WAY before the two of you are actually having sex.

So, practically, what does that look like? It could mean texting your partner earlier in the day and complimenting something specific about her appearance that day. It could mean complimenting her for being an awesome partner and packing your lunch. It could mean clearing out the back room for her that morning, the same back room she has been asking you to clear out for months now. It could mean giving her a back rub or rubbing her feet sometime that day, without assuming that it is going to lead to sex. It could even mean buying her some flowers or a small gift that she has been talking about getting for herself. A quick side note to all these suggestions, smacking your partner on the butt may or may not count, depending on your partner. Some partners enjoy that, while others may not enjoy it and will automatically associate it with you wanting to have sex. The point of the 12-hour sex rule is to figure out your partner’s needs and start filling up her bucket with things she appreciates. This, in turn, would help her free up space in her brain to want to have sex with you.

Why does this work? I believe that it works because of the “brakes” and “accelerator” systems that we all have. To borrow these terms from Emily Nagoski in her book “Come as You Are,” we are all equipped with “brakes” (things that cause the desire for sex to slow down) and “accelerators” (things that cause the desire for sex to speed up). Stereotypically, men tend to be more sensitive to accelerators. This includes things such as visual stimuli, like seeing your partner’s butt as you walk by her in the kitchen. Or, your partner touching you on the shoulder or back, whether or not your partner intended it to be a sexual touch or not. Women, on the other hand, have the tendency to be more sensitive to the brakes. This includes things such as the socks that were left in the middle of the living room. Or the event happening at the kid’s school the next day. Or the stressful situation that happened at work that day. So, as men, the goal should be reducing as many brakes that are present by filling her “bucket of needs.”

Now, it definitely sounds like a lot of work. However, my response to that is always, “don’t you want the answers to the test?” If there was a way that you knew would get you more sex, wouldn’t you want to try it out? In providing your partner with her needs first, you not only are enhancing the way she views you as a partner, you are potentially getting more sex. It may be unnatural at the beginning, and I understand that. I often advise men that I see to find a system that works for them. It might be setting alarms or reminders in your phone to text your partner something sweet. Or creating a recurring alarm that reminds you to periodically take a look around the house to see if there is anything you can pick up or do. Or it could even be creating some sort of association or connection between tasks. So for example, every time I drive by a grocery store on my way to work, I’m going to intentionally take a second to try to think about something I can grab to make her day easier. Again, create a system that is easy enough to remember and it may not require an insane amount of effort.

We talk so much about women having such a low desire for sex. But we can equally discuss ways in which we, as men, can be doing a better job at facilitating sexual interactions for our partners. We can do a better job about the way we ask for sex, and the way we take care of our partner’s needs. If we can simultaneously take care of our partner’s needs while getting more sex, and ultimately getting our own needs met, why would we not do that?